a_boston_peace

everever have I SO badly wanted someone. FUCKING TWILIGHT? TWILIGHT? What the hell. Why does fucking TWILIGHT make me wanna cry? Not even the whole Edward thing. The fucking Jacob thing. Just wtf. I cannot believe I'm SUCH a fucking pussy. x.x

I've learned alot in my life. One thing in particular is that you've got to push certain things from your past so far into your mind that you can pretend they don't even exsist. The point to this whole process is to hide those memories, or feelings or what ever, before they get a chance to manifest into your body and become a part of your every day life. Now I know everything that we do, or everything that happens affects our lives and changes us somehow. But there's a line where things live hidden in your mind or right out in the open for everyone to see.

Example: I will, until the day I die, think about Chris Myers at least once a day. Whether it be an angry thought, or a sad longing, or even just his fluffy little head poking into my thoughts, I will never go a day with out him. The people closest to me know it. And I can't even say I've accepted it. I just let it take its course.

There's actually a point to this whole entry. There's a boy I met. I met him a while back on Myspace. Just a random friend request. Except, it wasn't all that random. I skimmed his whole profle and had an odd sensation that curled up through my body. I was infatuated to say the least. He was adorable, and different. I could almost feel him, his whole being,  just by looking at his profile. It was nuts. And I couldn't help my self. I needed to talk to this boy. I needed to experience him. And lo and behold he accepted me. And we began talking, almost nightly over AIM and funny little comments left on each others page. I realized just how different he was. How genuine his words were. And how endearingly awkwrd he was. I was smitten. We continued our new friendship through texts and my heart jumped up into my throat every time the topic of hanging out came up.

MORE L8R. I GET DISTRACTED EASILY

Wow. I just got home from work. And I'm, not surprisingly, not fucking tired AT ALL. I've got class in OH 7 hours? Which means if I went to bed right now, I'd get 6 hours of sleep. And by the looks of it I'm pushing for at least another hours of conciousness. BITCHIN'

-sigh-

I really like closing though. I have no idea why but I do. I guess I feel like I've actually accomplished something. Or maybe its just the caffiene high from the massive amounts of iced coffees I jam down my throat. Meh. I was ALMOST late today too. I needed to talk to Amber about my fucking peice of shit whore mother. So I stayed on the phone with her until about 3:50 and I started at 4. Now GOD FOR FUCKING BID I wasnt at work at 3:55. I swear to mother fucking god. I've NEVER been late and it's not like I ever just don't show up for work. But Paul felt the need to CALL ME as I'm pulling into the parking lot...

"Carissa, are you on your way?"
"Yeh, I'm pullin' in now:"
CLICK.

It was 3:59. I wasn't even late. I swear. He's such a giant cock I'm suprised he hasn't started growing pubes out of his upper lip. But I missed Tobey today. =/ I dunno though, cause he was talking to Joe John about some interview today, so I thinki he's trying for another job. More =/ It's sad but ... I really don't want him to go. If he left now I'd never get to talk to him again most likely. I requested him on Facebook, but no response yet. Its kinda frustrating. Really frustrating actually. I mean the kid prolly doesn't even have a clue I'm interested. (At least I hope not) I dunno. I've always noticed him around. Like I always saw him and thought, "Man, there's something about him." Plus he's adorable =3. Muahaha. But seriously, I've only REALLY talked to him like 2 ... maybe 3 days? I don't know really. He makes me laugh though. Like alot. More than I should. I prolly look like a fucking valley girl when I'm talking to him cause I can't stop fucking giggling...or smiling. Good thing I'm only around him before night shift people come in. Or else they'd KNOW. BIG TIME. It's not that I'm a miserable person. But I'm far from peppy or anything of the sort. Who knows. I'm so sick of this longing.

The longing to feel needed by someone. The longing to actually feel HAPPY for more than a few days. I want butterflies again. I want to feel my heart jump into my stomache everytime someone walks into the room. More importantly, I want someone to feel like that about ME. I want to meet someone and turn their whole world upside down. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to them. Something they couldn't stand to lose. I want excitement and blood rushing to my face. I want to have inside jokes and I want someone to fight back with me and play along with all my stupid antics. I want someone who laughs at the same things I do. Who can't stop looking at me because they've never seen anything so lovely. Someone who notices the tiny imperfections and the stupid things I do and finds them absolutely adorable. Someone who is always smiling around me too. Who not only wants to, but will be there for me. Who feels it when I'm sad or angry, but devotes themself to bringing me back up. Someone who will stroke my hair off my face and kiss me on the head. Who will hold my hand when were curled up on the couch. Somone who ADORES ME. I want to be adored. I want to be something to somebody. I want so much. I need it. I need to just have a crazy horrificly scary rush. I need a love.

I NEED A REASON.


Fuck.



_(EDIT)_

Wow.... I jsut re-read that, and my first entry took a big turn.